Friday, June 20, 2008

I deserve...

I took a mental health day yesterday. I literally could not face coming into work and so I stayed home. I'd like to come on here and tell you that I did really well but that would be a lie so I'm going to tell you the truth...I ate a lot of food (and I mean a lot) and I did nothing but read and watch TV until time to take my test for class last night. As you all probably know, I've been having trouble with my eating. I have seemingly spiraled out of control. Yesterday I spent some time thinking and trying to figure out where this overwhelming urge to just keep eating is coming from.

Here's my conclusion, after some deep soul-searching--my job. I loathe my job and have for almost the entire time I've been here. I don't like what I do, I don't like the people I work with, I don't feel like part of a team, and on and on. And while these are all valid points, I have to accept full responsibility. I have been here almost 3 years which is about 2 and 1/2 years longer than I should've stayed. I have been unhappy for quite a while and haven't done much to change myself or my environment (granted, I thought I'd be leaving and going to school in the fall but since that's all fallen through, I haven't taken any additional steps to leave). When did I start accepting unhappiness as being acceptable for myself?? I deserve a job that I'm passionate about and a workplace where I feel needed and am a valuable member of a team.

This willingness to accept unhappiness has spilled into other parts of my life, mainly my food choices. Why am I willing to throw away every minute of how great I feel when I eat healthy for a brief moment of a cinnamon roll that isn't even that good?? I deserve to have a healthy, happy body and mind.

By the intervention of God, I heard the perfect Jillian Michaels podcast the other day. She was talking about people who are scared of failure and who are scared of trying to lose weight because if they don't succeed, then they're a failure. She talked about becoming "comfortably numb." That's the way I feel...I feel like I'm comfortable at this weight and at this job. I've made myself numb to the urges I have telling me I can do better and I can be better. This is no way to live! I refuse to live the rest of my life being comfortably numb and not at least trying to be a better person. This is my life and I'm responsible for the choices I make and I deserve to make great choices and to make some mistakes.

Please don't confuse my use of deserve with some kind of entitlement. I'm not entitled to have a fantastic, easy life but I do deserve to have the best life, in all aspects, that I can live. My self-esteem and confidence have taken a major blow by not getting into any grad schools. But, from this moment on, I'm using those rejections to fuel me into getting into schools next year or further down the road. I am a smart, capable person and no amount of rejection from the MITs and NYUs of the world will change that.

So, my plan--I'm hitting the job hunt hard. No waiting until after vacation or until pigs fly or whatever reasons I come up with. I'm doing it now. And if a new job means I can't go to school for a couple more years, then so be it. Things will work out the way they are supposed to and things will happen when they are supposed to. As far as food choices go, I'm doing what makes me happiest and eating clean, unprocessed foods. I'm counting my calories, and yes it sucks but I deserve to be my healthiest and 183 pounds is not my healthiest. I'm not accepting a comfortable feeling as being acceptable anymore. The standard has been raised.

My new mantra is "I deserve my best life." I deserve to make the choices that will get me this best life and I deserve to keep trying to be a better person, inside and out. I will not give up.

Today's Plan:
Activity: Run at lunch
Breakfast: 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/3 cup skim milk, 1/3 cup yogurt, 1/4 cup each of strawberries, blueberries and raspberries, 2 Tbsp flax
Mid-morning Snack: Vegetarian vegetable soup (weird, I know but I'm craving it right now), Banana
Lunch: 1 serving Kashi crackers, 1 slice fat free cheese, 1 laughing cow wedge, 2 cups grapes, orange, 3 cups spinach with shredded carrots, 1/2 serving apple chips, 2 Tbsp pecans, 1/6 cup dried cherries and 1 Tbsp ginger pear dressing
Afternoon Snack: Haven't been needing one lately
Dinner: ??--definitely at home...will most likely be Moroccan chicken with cherry-pecan rice (never ate this on Wednesday) or spaghetti with meat sauce and a salad


Jen said...

Marissa this is one fabulous post. You are RIGHT, you DESERVE the best for yourself (I never thought once that you were being precocious or thinking you were entitled), you are COMPLETELY right!!!

Job dissatisfaction can take over your life...last summer Danny and I fought ALL the time because neither of us were happy at our jobs. I am STILL not but I definitely reached the "comfortably numb" phase BUT I will finish my degree next year and hopefully get into a career that I enjoy...knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel makes it a bit easier.

Definitely use those schools as fuel. You ARE a wonderfully bright woman and you will find a perfect fit soon!!! I am so glad to hear (read) this do deserve all these great things!!!

totegirl said...

AMEN MARISSA. You actually do deserve it, and that's a fact. I'm proud of for deciding to do something about a bad situation. We do get complacent sometimes, but when you have to start taking way too many mental health days, then it has gone on for too long. Good luck, not that you will need it, but I'm send you good vibes anyway!

Sparky said...

great thoughts! :)

Fatinah said...

sometimes God speaks to us in UNANSWERED prayers - perhaps you needed all of this (no to school, bad job) to find YOU.

I loved this post. It spoke to me on many levels. That has been me in so many parts of my life. I don't think I ever had this kind of "moment of clarity". Thanks so much for sharing.

CP said...

Fantastic post- even prompted a lurker to comment!

I didn't read your statements of "deserve" as any sort of entitlement at all. To the contrary, I thought they were inspired and inspiring.