So I called my mom yesterday, pretty much immediately after I finished posting. We talked for a while, I cried, she cried. Ultimately, I came to the decision that I need to be back on meds for a while and my mom whole-heartedly agreed. I think I already knew that's what I needed to do but I had to have someone else tell me. It was very hard for me to admit that I need the meds. I took them for about 2 years in college. When I stopped taking them, I really felt that I had beat depression. I knew what my triggers were and I knew the steps I needed to take to keep it from coming back (exercise, "me" time, etc). This the only time I've had my depression come back so strongly. I've had a couple of days here and there where I felt a bit down but nothing like the last few weeks. I don't know if I can describe how hard it was for me to admit I needed meds. When I stopped taking them before, I really felt I would never, ever be back on medicine for my moods. But I have to look at depression as being a disease that I have and, possibly for the rest of my life, I might have periods where I'm on medicine and periods when I'm not on meds.
After talking to my mom, I called my doctor and spoke with her. She recommended meds and talking to a therapist if I thought that might help. The plan right now is for me to be on the meds for at least the next 6 months. When I go to see my doctor in August for my annual check-up or with my therapist before then that I'm feeling better and I just needed the meds for a while, we can discuss going back off the meds. I called around yesterday and have an appointment with a therapist in mid-March. As soon as I realized I had a way to deal with this, I felt better yesterday.
I called Stephen at work yesterday and we talked about it for about 10 minutes and then last night we talked about it for an hour or so. He's completely supportive and such a great guy. After he talked to me yesterday during work, he called my mom and talked to her and reassured her that he knew what was going on and that he was going to help me in whatever ways he needed to. (Seriously, he called my mother...what a great guy!) I'll make it through and he's going to be there with me.
After talking through this with Stephen and my mom yesterday I think there's several things that triggered this episode:
1) MBA schools and not getting in anywhere
2) Uncertainty about my job now since I'll have to find other employment but don't want to do what I'm doing at my current job.
3) Lingering grief about my grandpa dying
4) the weather. Winter is bad for my moods, I already knew it but I think combined with the other things, it ends up being a pretty big factor.
5) How slow the weight loss has been occurring. I'm losing, but by god, it's incredibly slow.
6) I'm not good about taking care of myself sometimes and voicing when I need some alone time. Definitely something I can work on though!
Friday is my AWS day and I've made a hair appointment and I'm thinking about getting a mani/pedi as well. I'm looking forward to it! Honestly, I felt so much better after talking to everyone yesterday and realizing that I have all kinds of people willing to help me and I'm not alone in this. Thank you for all your kind words yesterday.