Thoughts

Warning up front: this post will most likely be not inspiring at all, so if you're looking for an inspiration today, you should probably go somewhere else.

So last night I woke up at 1:30 and was awake until about 4:30. Yep, I lost three hours of sleep last night. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted mentally and emotionally for weeks now. Everything feels like a struggle. I'm tired of things being so hard all the time. I don't know if it's my depression coming back or just a down moment. And I can't pinpoint exactly what it was that triggered the last few weeks but I do know I had a minor mental breakdown last night in the middle of the night and it's just continued this morning. (I'd like to stay home today but I have a farewell lunch for one of my favorite co-workers and my aunt's in town so I'm eating dinner with her.) Typically, I don't struggle with my depression if I'm eating right and working out but those two things don't feel like they're doing anything right now.

Part of this depression episode/moment is that I feel like everyone is telling me what to do or how I should be. Stephen's always telling me I need to be more aggressive and assertive. For example, we were at the Container Store this weekend walking down an aisle and in front of us, were 3 people talking to each other taking up the whole aisle. I just stood behind them waiting for them to move (I said "excuse me" but I don't think they heard me) and Stephen's behind me telling me I should just push through them. After they do move, he lectures me about how I need to be more assertive and aggressive with people. Granted, sometimes I do but I also know that I'm a people pleaser and a peace seeker. I'll let people walk all over me if it means there's no confrontations and no one gets angry. I can't change these things about me...I've tried but growing up in a house where I was the peace keeper between my mom and my dad and my dad and my sister, some of these habits are ingrained into who I am and I can't just make them go away. It doesn't work like that. I am trying to be assertive about my opinions and my feelings with my family and with Stephen. But last night when I was awake, he woke up and asked me why I couldn't sleep. I told him that I was thinking about things and he wanted to know what things. I told him I didn't want to talk about it b/c at the time I didn't. I was working through all these thoughts in my head and had no idea how to begin to describe it to someone else (plus when you tell a guy a problem, they automatically want to help you with a solution and I don't need that right now, I just need someone to listen). He gets mad that I won't tell him what I'm thinking about. Thanks, that certainly doesn't help.

I just feel that everyone is always criticizing me and never compliments me. I know that part of this is a perception on my part b/c that's the way I talk to myself. I'm very critical of myself.

I know this is sort of rambley and not related to food or exercise but I'm struggling right now and need to share this with someone. I'm going to call my mom and hopefully she has some time to talk and listen to me (she's struggled with depression her entire life and has been there with me through my previous episodes) and then tonight I'm going to talk to Stephen about what's been on my mind even if it is hard. Thanks for listening.